Matt Goes Green

Airplane travel is nature’s way of making you look like your passport photo.
Al Gore

One minute some impressive figure like Al Gore would be telling me to switch lights off; the next, I would see the Spice Girls appearing at Live Earth, and think “Well, maybe the human race doesn’t deserve anywhere to live.”
Mark Watson

How many climate sceptics does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None. It’s too early to say if the light bulb needs changing.

Robert Butler, environmental blogger
Q

President Bush says he’s really going to buckle down now and fight global warming. As a matter of fact, he announced today he’s sending 20,000 troops to the sun.

David Letterman

They say if the warming trend continues, by 2015 Hillary Clinton might actually thaw out.

Jay Leno

President Bush has a plan [to fight global warming]. We can lower the temperature dramatically just by switching from Fahrenheit to Celsius.
Jimmy Kimmel

President Bush is starting to get concerned about global warning, which is why he’s trying to rekindle the COLD war.

Jay Leno

A parish priest is to offer ‘eco-sinners’ the chance to confess in what is thought to be the first ‘green’ confessional booth. Obviously you can’t confess all your sins in one go but must separate bottle, paper and plastic confessions.
mygreenweek.com

10. You fall asleep on the job and people in hazmat suits wake you up.

9. Interviewer asks if you can type, get coffee, and resist toxic waste.

8. You’re paid in baby seal pelts.

7. You take a lot of “before” photographs that involved undeveloped land and happy, frolicking wildlife.

6. There’s a sign at the office that reads “EPA Superfund Site.”

5. You discover your boss can cough up tar, and he’s not a smoker.

4. You become convinced that the office plants are glaring at you.

3. Your job description includes the letters “FEMA.”

2. You’re required to screen all visitors for hidden cameras and 20/20’s John Quinones.

1. At the end of the day, you glow.

How many people does it take to screw in a light bulb at a Sierra Club
meeting?

Five to talk about in committee, one to argue that we shouldn’t be
wasting the
electricity, and one to screw the damn thing in!

—–

How many people does it take to screw in a light bulb at Greenpeace?

Four to hang a banner at the General Electric plant, one to screw in the
bulb made
from recycled ketchup bottles.

—–

How many people does it take to screw in a light bulb at a PIRG office?

One, but you have to buy your own light bulb and get the ladder donated.

—–

How many people does it take to screw in a light bulb at Union of Concerned
Scientists?

Forget the bulb, lets get a new lamp and give the old one to the PIRG
office.

—–

How many people does it take to screw in a light bulb at the Nature
Conservancy?

How many does Chevron think it should take?

—–

How many people does it take to screw in a light bulb at the Audubon
Society?

Actually we’ve found birds fly into light bulbs and get cut on the
broken glass, so
we prefer candles.

—–

How many people does it take to screw in a light bulb at League of
Conservation
Voters?

Both Democrats and Republicans can screw in light bulbs, but Lincoln
Chafee is
the only Republican who ever does.

—–

How many people does it take to screw in a light bulb at the SEAC office?

One woman screwing in a black light.

—–

How many people does it take to screw in a light bulb at NRDC?

If you want the light bulb to appeal to middle aged women, Robert
Redford will do
it; if you want the light
bulb to appeal to youth, Leonardo DiCaprio will do it; if you
want a really expensive light
bulb, Laurie David will do it.

—–

How many people does it take to screw in a light
bulb at Defenders of Wildlife?

One, but after striking a compromise with Richard Pombo, it’ll only be a
10 watt
bulb.

—–

How many people does it take to screw in a light bulb at Green Corps?

Don’t ask questions, just screw in 400 light bulbs by the end of the
week.

Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.

Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations.
When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is
wrong.

Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain,
For strip-mined mountain’s majesty above the asphalt plain.
America, America, man sheds his waste on thee,
And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea.

They say if the warming trend continues, by 2015 Hillary Clinton might actually thaw out. — Jay Leno

If Barney Frank, Reid, and Pelosi were on a sinking ship, who would be saved? AMERICA

“Here’s good news: George W. Bush says that he is committed to fighting
global warming. Yeah, well, he nipped that in the bud, didn’t he? …
President Bush says he’s really going to buckle down now and fight
global warming. As a matter of fact, he announced today he’s sending
20,000 troops to the sun” –David Letterman

“According to a new U.N. report, the global warming outlook is
much worse than originally predicted. Which is pretty bad when they
originally predicted it would destroy the planet.” –Jay Leno

“The report on climate change said that humans are very likely making
the planet warmer. To which Hillary Clinton said, ‘Hey, can’t blame me
for that one.’” –Jay Leno

“President Bush has a plan. He says that if we need to, we can lower
the temperature dramatically just by switching from Fahrenheit to
Celsius” –Jimmy Kimmel, on fighting global warming

“Scientists say because of global warming they expect the
world’s oceans to rise four and a half feet. The scientists say this
can mean only one thing: Gary Coleman is going to drown.” –Conan
O’Brien

“Some good news. Finally, President Bush is going to do something about
global warming. He became alarmed when another chunk of ice fell off
his mother.” –David Letterman

“Has anybody seen the Al Gore movie
about global warming and the environment? Well, the Bush administration
has seen it and they are very annoyed about the whole thing. As a
matter of fact, earlier today, Dick Cheney shot a projectionist. …
One very dramatic scene in the Al Gore global warming movie is when a
glacier melts and they find more Al Gore ballots from the election.”
–David Letterman

“President Bush told reporters he won’t see Al Gore’s documentary
about the threat of global warming. He will not see it. On the other
hand, Dick Cheney said he’s seen the global warming film five times,
and it still cracks him up.” –Conan O’Brien

“According to a survey in this week’s Time magazine, 85% of Americans
think global warming is happening. The other 15% work for the White
House.” –Jay Leno

“Al Gore has a hit movie called ‘An Inconvenient Truth.’ I
have an inconvenient truth for him: you’re still not the president. …
This past weekend, Al Gore’s movie, ‘An Inconvenient Truth,’ earned
more per screen than any film in the country. … I dare say Gore’s
movie is the highest grossing PowerPoint presentation in history. …
Global warming: Can we live with it? … It is time we did something,
namely resign ourselves to doing nothing [on screen: Follow Congress'
Lead]. … For instance, when sea levels rise, we’ll just build levees
[on screen: Worked for New Orleans]” –Stephen Colbert

“Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting
now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice.” –David
Letterman

“Former Vice President Al Gore starring in a new documentary about
global warming. I believe it’s called [Leno snores]. … The film
actually features Al Gore and explores his journey on how he first got
interested in temperature change. It started back when he was vice
president. He noticed how the temperature would change, like whenever
Bill would walk into the room, it would get warm and whenever Hillary
walked into the room, it got cold.” –Jay Leno

“President Bush said global warming is happening much quicker than he
thought, and then his staff pulled him aside and said ‘It’s just
springtime.’” –Jay Leno

“Arnold Schwarzenegger is blaming man for global warming. And today, Al
Gore agreed with him. That’s so typical. Two cyborgs, ‘Oh, let’s blame
the humans.’” –Jay Leno

“Al Gore is coming out with a movie about global warming called ‘An Inconvenient Truth.‘
It’s described as a detailed scientific view of global warming.
President Bush said he just saw a film about global warming, ‘Ice Age
2; The Meltdown.’ He said, ‘It’s so much better than that boring Al
Gore movie.’” –Jay Leno

“Don’t kid yourself. Global warming is no joke. Here’s how serious
global warming has gotten to be in the United States. In this country
global warming is so bad, we are now actually starting to warm up to
Barry Bonds.” –David Letterman

“According to Time magazine, global warming is 33% worse than we
thought. You know what that means? Al Gore is one-third more annoying
than we thought.” –Jay Leno

“They say if the warming trend continues, by 2015 Hillary Clinton might actually thaw out.” –Jay Leno, on global warming

“Al Gore announced he is finishing up a new book about global warming
and the environment. Yeah, the first chapter talks about how you
shouldn’t chop down trees to make a book that no one will read.”
–Conan O’Brien

“We estimate that there are perhaps 20,000 prehistoric hunter-gatherers
frozen up in those glaciers. Now, if they simply thaw and wander
around, it’s not a problem, but if they find a leader — a Captain
Caveman, if you will — we’ll be facing an even more serious problem.”
–Daily Show correspondent John Hodgman, on the dangers of global
warming

“At a press conference yesterday NASA announced that 2005 was the
hottest year on record. It is so hot, and global warming is so bad, if
the presidential election were held today, Al Gore would still lose.”
–Jay Leno

“Heating bills this winter are the highest they’ve been in five years,
but President Bush has a plan to combat rising bills. It’s called
global warming.” –Jay Leno

“Yesterday, a group of scientists warned that because of global
warming, sea levels will rise so much that parts of New Jersey will be
under water. The bad news? Parts of New Jersey won’t be under water.”
–Conan O’Brien

“Al Gore said over the weekend that global warming is more serious than
terrorism. Unless the terrorist is on your plane, then that extra half
a degree doesn’t bother you so much.” –Jay Leno

“President Bush is taking more liberal positions. For example global
warming. He used to be against it. Now it’s the Republican plan for
heating homes this winter.” -Jay Leno

“A lot of people think global warming is causing these terrible
hurricanes. See I think to stop global warming we should move in the
other direction. We should move towards a second ice age. Follow me, if
the glaciers are coming towards us at like an inch a year, then the
government would have time to respond.” –Jay Leno

“Barbra Streisand told Diane Sawyer that we’re in a global warming
crisis, and we can expect more and more intense storms, droughts and
dust bowls. But before they act, weather experts say they’re still
waiting to hear from Celine Dion.” –Jay Leno

“Governor Schwarzenegger spoke about the dangers of global warming.
Schwarzenegger’s exact words were: fire, hot, bad.” –Conan O’Brien

“NASA just released their new report on global warming or, as President Bush, calls it — Spring.” –Jay Leno

May 10, 2001 |

As vice president
and head of President Bush’s task force on energy, people ask me all
the time, “Dick, what can I do to conserve energy?” First, I tell them
that conservation may be a sign of personal virtue, but it is not a
sufficient basis, all by itself, for a sound, comprehensive energy
policy. We can’t simply conserve or ration our way out of this energy
crisis, but there are some simple ways we can use power more
efficiently, without having to do with less. Here are 10 ways we can
all be better energy consumers:

Dick Cheney’s 10 tips to conserve energy

Tip No. 1: Replace incandescent bulbs with much brighter incandescent bulbs.

A 250-watt bulb
burns brighter than a 100-watt bulb: a lot brighter. Don’t listen to
the “dim bulbs” who insist that lower-wattage light bulbs are somehow
more energy efficient. There’s nothing efficient about staggering
across a dark room bumping into furniture. Also, remember that 30
percent of the energy consumed by a light bulb is expended when the
bulb is switched on. Keeping your lights on all the time is a simple
but effective way to conserve energy.

Tip No. 2: Turn the air conditioning down to “medium” when you’re not in the room.

By simply turning
the air conditioning down to the medium setting (about 62 degrees)
before you leave a room, you’ll reap significant savings, while you and
your family stay comfortable. You can further keep costs down by
closing off sections of your house to trap cool air in occupied areas.
At my ranch in Wyoming, for example, I like to blast the AC in the
living room, family room, parlor, rec room and den, while keeping the
AC set to “medium” in the library, conservatory, antiques room and
aviary.

Tip No. 3: Wrap your hot water tank with “jacket” insulation.

More than 20
percent of the heat from your hot water tank escapes into the
surrounding air. Wrap your water tank with a suitable “jacket”
insulator. An old mink coat or chinchilla wrap is ideal.

Tip No. 4: Keep your SUV well-maintained.

SUVs are already
incredibly energy efficient, meeting or exceeding federal mileage
standards for large trucks and buses. But a little TLC for your SUV can
make your mobile home-away-from-home even more energy-friendly. Keep
power windows and locks well oiled, slow down to 75 mph on freeways,
switch into two-wheel drive whenever practical and consider replacing
the in-dash stereo system with a more efficient multiple-CD changer.

Tip No. 5: Replace old appliances with really big new ones.